A groaning cake is a cake that is made traditionally for or by a family who just had a baby. Sometimes a mother will make the cake during early labor to stay active and help focus between birthing pains.
A groaning cake, basically an old fashioned apple spice cake, can be made in any kind of cake pan, muffins, or a loaf pan. It can be topped with cream cheese, glazed icing, or something like peanut butter or preserves. Recipes vary but usually have a lot of ingredients. The idea is to deliver a heap of nutrients to a mother in labor or right quick without being too heavy. Most recipe begin with flour, sprouted if most healthy. Recipes are adaptable and either call for white/brown sugar or honey or maple syrup. Pumpkin puree is added for nutrients. Nutmeg, cinnamon, clove, all spice, or some variation bring lots of flavor. Walnuts, pumpkin seeds, pecans, chocolate chips, dates, raisins, chopped carrots or shredded zucchini bring lots of texture. Recipes usually call for some kind of combination. It seems like this is one of the first mentions of the Groaning Cake written out online. Lots of other recipes quote this one. To quote Ami from the link above : “The tradition of the groaning cake, or kimbly at (or following) a birth is an ancient one. Wives’ tales say that the scent of a groaning cake being baked in the birth house helps to ease the mother’s pain. Some say if a mother breaks the eggs while she’s aching, her labour won’t last as long. Others say that if a family wants prosperity and fertility, the father must pass pieces of the cake to friends and family the first time the mother and baby are churched (or the first time they go to a public gathering) after a birth. Many cultures share similar traditions…a special dish, bread, or drink, spiced with cinnamon, all spice, and/or ginger. At one time there was even a groaning ale made to go with it…” The groaning cake is very nurturing postpartum. It can be made ahead of time and frozen, made during early labor, or made by someone and delivered to you. Have you ever tried a groaning cake?
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People spend a lot of time planning and preparing for birth, but do they also plan for the postpartum time? I like to help my clients create a Postpartum Care Plan. In this plan, we go over what the family plans to do for the first 2 months after the birth. What does momma usually do and who will do her job while she rests? What each stage of rest looks like.
Some of the ways families prepare for this time are by making extra meals each time they book and sticking one in the freezer. Batch cooking is also popular where you make 10 different meals at a time and put them all in the freezer. Or, you have 4 friends make 5 of the same meal each. Then, you meet up and change the food. That is a good, quick way to fill your freezer. A lot of families a meal train where they are supplied ready to cook meals by friends and family. Depending on the type of birth the mother experienced also depends on the type of healing she does. These is general advice for a vaginal delivery. Mom needs time to rest to heal. I always suggest Prepare for the 5-5-5 rule: 5 days in the bed, 5 days on the bed, 5 days near the bed. This gives you a solid two weeks of focused intentional rest. Chinese medicine suggests eating only warm or room temperature foods for the first 2 weeks. There is an awesome cookbook for guidance called The First Forty Days. With the intention set on nourishing foods and rest, the family can know that is how they can support mom. I also like for mom to have only 3 goals a day. The goals could be take a shower, sleep with the baby sleeps, and Dad or other helper is on call for baby from 8pm-8am. Some things I tell moms to have one hand to help with healing are: a sitz bath and herbs, padsicles, peri bottle, depends/pads, heating pad, ice pack, tinctures, arnica, ibuprofen or a more natural alternative, robe, comfortable gown/pajamas, nursing pads, nursing bra, non slip house shoes, anything they would use for lounging. Some mommas continue to drink Red Raspberry Tea after birth to help the uterus shrink back down. When recovering from surgery, your doctor will send you home with incision care instructions. WebMd says, "Take it easy. A C-section is a major surgery. Don’t lift anything heavier than your baby for the first couple of weeks, and keep everything you might need within reach. Support your stomach. Hold your belly when you sneeze, cough, or laugh to keep it still." The greatest difference in healing plans is, after a vaginal delivery, you can to be still, walk a little as possible, and keep your legs together. After surgery, they encourage you to walk within 24 hours. "This can help ease gas pains, help you have a bowel movement, and prevent blood clots." As with both types of birth you can expect: vaginal discharge, afterpains/mild contraction, breast swelling or soreness, hair and skin changes, and mood changes/feeling blue. Cherished Mom is an awesome local resource that offers postpartum help and even tests to see if you need further assistance. There is a guide for caregivers to know what to expect as well as ongoing support groups. Postpartum planning is also about planning for the logistics of baby. Some other ways the parents can prepare is by asking themselves, who will we call when we need a calming voice? What about when we need help or advice late at night? Where will baby sleep? sometimes that doesn't go as planned. Maybe your idea is a crib and baby sleeps mostly in a bassinet or on your chest. Babies can sleep in a swing during naps or in a Moses basket. How do you plan to feed the baby? I always recommend my clients take a Newborn Feeding class. They are SO helpful. Usually if you've been around babies, you know a lot about them, but you may not have been taught as much as you need to about feeding a baby. What duties will each person do to care for the baby? Maybe mom feeds and dad burps. Maybe dad feeds and mom does the diaper changes. Will dad mostly rock the baby? Planning for baby to be in your arms brings up all new challenges after giving birth. Will baby be circumcised? Will you give baby a pacifier? When will baby transition from formula or breastmilk to solid foods? What about vaccines? Where will the baby go to the doctor? The hospital likes to have some of this information decided when you are admitted. The last phase of postpartum planning is of course how will you deal with having guests. Because everyone wants to meet the new little person. It is a great idea of get an idea ahead of time if you can of who is coming to meet the baby and who is planning to help. A good rule of thumb is every time someone asks if they can visit, say, "yes, but bring us food." If you feel comfortable, discuss the realities of having a newborn and what support will look like from grandparents and people who will be visiting regularly. Let them know it will be ok with you if they wash some dishes or vacuum. They might want to help, but won't want to overstep. Maybe make a list of ways visitors can help and stick it to the fridge: trash, dishes, laundry, pets, kids, make beds, restock diaper changing station. Or ask them to hold the baby while you do these things so you can get a break (if baby is older!!) It is OK to set some rules. Afterall, your house and your baby! How many days/weeks after the baby arrives do you want to start receiving visitors? What are the best times of day for them to visit and what is the maximum amount of time they should stay? What do you want visitors to know/do before entering? (Take off shoes, wash hands, use hand sanitizer, not wear perfume, change shirt after smoking) If you aren't expecting to have a lot of help, maybe assign responsibilities: Who will make dinner, do laundry, pay bills/finances, shop for groceries/other errands? A great tip is to create a Living Room Basket for baby with everything baby would need in 24 hours: diapers, wipes, creams, water and snacks for momma of course. Another great idea is to make a designated place for your car keys, purse, and diaper bag! Life gets messy with a newborn, especially on little sleep. The last thing is to give some thought to what you will do with older children during the day. Who will be available to help with them, driving them places, and making them food? Maybe make a list of their needs. If you think this information is helpful, maybe you will consider hiring me as your Postpartum Doula! Before we get started working together, I like to see if we are a good match. We will meet in-person, on video chat, or have a phone call. Obviously, we will introduce each other. I love to hear how you heard about me and why you wanted to interview me.
Then, I like to hear about the kind of birth you have in mind. Where do you want expect to give birth? Do you have in mind some ideas of how you want to work through the pain? Different doulas have different skills so I want to be sure I can implement what you are expecting for pain management. What is your due date? I need to see if my calendar is open. How many times have you been pregnant? I am sensitive to baby loss and just want to give you spend to speak to that if you desire. Also, other types of abuse. I'm interested in generally what your other pregnancies and births looks like. What are your concerns? Do you have a support person? Next, if you are interested, we will go over the contract. It has all the details like how and when we will communicate, what you can expect from me, what I expect from you, what if I don't make it to your birth, what if I am there a long time, what if you end up with a cesarean, how I work with a backup doula, how much it costs, how you pay, additional services I offer, information release, confidentiality, and liability. After contact is signed and a payment is made, I reserve your date and we schedule our first meeting Introduce myself Tell me about yourself How did you hear about me? why? What kind of birth do you want? Where are you birthing Due date How many times have you been pregnant? What were your other pregnancies/births like? What are you planning or already doing to get that birth? What are your concerns? Any history I need to know about? Go over contract After contact is signed and a payment is made, I reserve your date and we schedule our first meeting. One of the number one fears of mothers about childbirth is "fear of the unknown." The purpose of a childbirth education class is to education you and your support person on what happens to the body during labor. You will learn how the body changes both physically, emotionally, and chemically through hormones. Throughout that process, you will gain a trust in your skills as a birthing person. AND sometimes you are taking a birthing class WITH other pregnancy people who have accomplished this before and by building that relationship you are also being encouraged that you CAN do this.
I'm SURE as a pregnant person walking around "showing" the world that you are pregnant, you have been approached by people telling you their story, sometimes not always a nice experience. They are told you how they wanted their birth to go and explain to you how it went instead. They have unknowingly unfolded all of their birth trauma on you. They have planted a seed of doubt in your mind. Maybe you told them how you planned for you birth to go or a detail you know you want to attempt and they have shut you down telling you the reasons you probably won't be able to do that. They are squashing your effort before you even try. A childbirth education class is a chance to reset that intention. You will gain a new prospective to what normal is. Maybe you won't know what to expect during labor, now you will. You will be explained to how the process works- regardless of where you plan to birth. If you're planning a hospital birth, you get a chance for someone to explain to you what protocols to expect, information about medical procedures (like induction) and communication skills. You will get ideas on how to ask for informed consent. By knowing ahead of time what will be done "to you" you have an opportunity to opt out. Not all classes are created equal. Lots of people offer CBE classes: your OB office, hospitals, midwives, doulas, pregnancy centers, a pelvic floor therapist, Lactation Counselor, and RN with labor and delivery experience, or anyone who has taken a test to become a Certified Childbirth Educator. Classes are offered in-person, online, and with themed topics such as "with a support person" or "after a VBAC." Some classes will spend more time on comfort measures and less on hospital policy or what happens during labor. Sometimes they may not take time to go into how your support person can support you or asking your particular fears and helping you work through them. There are many different kinds of breathing techniques people use during birth as well: Lamaze, pant-pant-blow, patterned breathing, Bradley Method, etc. Ask the leader of the class what the class entails. I would also suggest taking a comfort measures class separate from a childbirth education class. A childbirth education class usually also includes positions for labor and birth. While in the hospital, nurses are focused on care of many clients. They pop in your room to take vitals and check-in. While they may take time to show you various pain relieving techniques, remind you to move and go to the bathroom, and show you a few positions, it is not their job description. Some awesome nurses will give you all the tips! If your response is, "Gosh, that's a lot of time and money." Let me ask you, how much time and money do people spend on planning their wedding? If you are married, how much did you spend? If not, how much do you think you'd spend? If you are having to take these classes as an adult, let me apologize to you on behalf of probably the government education system. It really sucks that you were not taught how childbirth works in detail as well as how to cope with the pain as a possible future birthing person and or support person. But the response now lies with you? What are you going to do about it? Learn now? go with the flow and wait and see what happens like most people do? or hire a doula and take some classes? Back in 2020, I did a LOT of support as a virtual doula! I am still available to offer that type of support. Emotional and informational support goes a long way! I will support you in the same way as a traditional birth doula, but I will NOT be with you physically during your labor or birth. You have the option to switch to in-person support anytime.
For me to support you virtually looks like us working together in a few meetings (in-person/phone/or video chat). If you already have a birth plan, I will review it. If you don't we can take time to create a plan for you. I can explain hospital protocol to you as we would through a generic plan as you pick out which options you want to include in your plan. Your plan does not have to be written. If you feel comfortable in your choices and WHY you want what you want, you can go by memory. Of course, I will NOT be with you at the hospital to guide you in advocating. I also like to create a postpartum plan with you. During this time, we will discuss what items you plan to use to help you heal, what your plan is for rest, what your normal tasks are and who will complete those, and how to care for a newborn. As with the traditional birth doula role, I am available unlimited phone/text support throughout, 24 hour on-call VIRTUAL availability during your due month (starting at 37 weeks), and continuous labor and birth virtual support. I have spend MANY nights on the phone with the support person explaining what is happening and what options they had at the moment. It is SO hard for me to do this when the client has never taken a childbirth education class. When they have, this is review for them. It is also SO hard for me to suggest what their options are without being in person to see what the birthing person looks and sounds like, but it is possible to have this type of support. You will also have access to my personal lending library and guidance on how to create a relaxing birthing space. We can work together ahead of time to go over some comfort measures and coping techniques, but I DO suggest taking an entire course for this. It is so much more beneficial for the support person. I have knowledge about how to use to cloth diapers and babywearing, if desired. I am also a breastfeeding counselor, if you need tips on how to do that before birth, that is included. A Postpartum Doula is a skilled caregiver trained for mothers and newborns in a non-judgmental way. Before the baby arrives, we will create a postpartum plan. The construction of the plan will help you feel more engaged and better prepared. I will work with you on settling in, transitioning to staying home, setting boundaries for visitors, and adjusting back to work. As with tradition, I provide emotional support with reassurance and prospective, warm meals, light cleaning/tidying, sibling adjustment, errands, and basic baby care.
I am available for hire as a postpartum doula. We would work together to create a schedule of 2-3 hours, 1-3 times a week. I charge $25 an hour. When someone has not lost a baby, or has a completely different story than ours, it can sometimes feel like no one is saying the right thing ... doing "enough" ... understanding us ... or offering the comfort we so desperately crave.
The truth is, just as every person grieves differently, so every person comforts in a way that makes sense to them. Their motives are pure ~ they simply want to make our pain go away and bring joy back into our lives. Sometimes it works, sometimes it hurts, and sometimes it just seems ridiculous. But weren't we there once too? Before I lost my son I thought I was a good friend to those who miscarried. But once the pain belonged to me, I realized that I had fallen short more than once. Try to see each person as one who is offering love, support, and concern ~ the only way they know how. Accept their efforts with grace, and let the Lord fill in the gaps. These thoughts are not original ... they are from the hearts of many who grieve as they reflect on those dark days. Accept their counsel and remember ~ people are trying to love you. They just want to love you. So let them. Remember: ~ People are afraid to ask you about your loss for fear they will make you cry. If they make the effort, encourage them, and let them fumble. ~ No one connected with baby like you did ~ they never saw/touched/played with him/her. As the mom, your bond is priceless, personal, private. No one will ever love or care for your baby like you do. People are not insensitive or mean ... they just aren't you. ~ You need to find a handful of people you trust and love to say ‘Please ASK ME how I am doing – do not worry about my response ... if I cry, I needed to cry. It’s okay.” ~ Those who have never lost a baby are at a loss of what to do/say. Let them try, and accept their attempts with gentleness. They are doing the best they can. ~ Some of your friends, and even your own family, will not meet your needs, whether by choice or by neglect. You have to choose: approach them and tell them you are hurt and need them, or let it go. The longer you try to live in the middle, the more frustrated and hurt you will become. Your heart has enough work to do just healing itself ... do not let bitterness take root and cause confusion and hate. No one is perfect, and everyone needs grace. Be honest, be patient, and seek to understand before walking away angry. You cannot be alone right now. You need people ~ even imperfect ones. ~ Be willing to be vulnerable and honest and say, "I need to talk about my son. I need you to ask about my daughter." No one can read your mind ~ you have to tell them you need them. Your husband. Your sister. Your best friend. They will not know what you need or how to minister to you unless you tell them. ~ There is no rule book for grief. Whether you lost your baby at five weeks or 35 weeks, your child is gone. Your pain is real. It does not matter if anyone else understands or approves ~ if your heart heals in one weekend or you cry every day for a year, it is what you need to do. Do not be afraid of emotion. The Lord knows your every thought and He sees each tear that falls. Cry out to Him ~ forget about everyone and everything else and listen to His voice. The still, small voice full of promises and truth. These words have been said so well and are true here as well. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18 I'm so nervous that I'm sweating. I don't know what I am doing. I'm just making it up as I go. I'm just taking one step at a time.
I lost my baby. I stumbled upon Stillbirthday Doula training. I got pregnant with my rainbow baby without "trying." I began the Stillbirthday training. I suffered through what would have been the due date and that next Mother's Day. I completed the training and earned my credentials right before I birthed that sweet and precious rainbow baby. I paused. I took time to enjoy that baby! I decided to begin a new journey of helping others live through miscarriages and stillbirths. I'm not only doing it because I want to but because no one else is. This is a need that is not being met in our community. I'm scared because I don't know if I have what it takes, but I have the confidence that what it takes will come. I'm scared because I don't know what it is going to look like. But I know what it feels like, and that should help. I'm freaking out because it is going to make me vulnerable and emotional. The truth is, I will never truly be ready. I'm accepting the challenge now. I'm taking a risk and I'm willing to fail. I am willing to go to the depths of my well to help others stay afloat...to be ready to offer as much quenching and healing water to the family as they need. This is done in part by simply mirroring back to them how they are identifying the experience. Being prepared to go to the depth of meaning now, allows me to have the heart that is ready to be transparent and authentic when I am needed. That is why I am here. My hope is that I will be enough. My hope is that I can put myself aside and do what it takes to carry another family. |